Saturday, January 23, 2010

The Drinks Are On Me

My mother once taught me that when you give a gift, you should imagine the person happy and give them the thing that would make it so. For my last birthday, she gave me this. Sometimes, it's like she peeks into my soul.

I'm not exactly what you'd call a big spender. And my slack code of ethics has plenty of built in wiggle room. Not only am I comfortable sneaking snacks into the movies, I actually kind of get off on it. I teach Pre-K for Chrissake; I take my thrills where I can find them. And to me, making it past the ticket guy toting a full buffet and open bar is a tiny adventure.

I know, I know, they have rent to pay. But I refuse to feel (very) guilty if they're going to charge twenty bucks for a watered down Coke and Crisco-coated popcorn. Besides, you know that stuff will give you a heart attack. I'd rather invest my money filling my breasts with a nice Red Zinfandel. For my health. I have a child to think about.

I wish I'd had the courage to just sashay right in, jiggling my new jugs for all to see. God knows it would have been a first. I wasn't so much blessed with jugs as jiggers. But I'd never worn the Rack before and I wasn't entirely confident that I wouldn't slosh or leak. Imagine the guy's face if just as he handed me my ticket red liquid started oozing down my chest, like a victim in a Quentin Tarantino film. So I kept the girls under wraps until the lights dimmed. Turns out, I worried for nothing. It worked like a charm. There was a brief learning curve, sitting in the darkened theater trying to figure out if the thing worked on gravity or pressure. But at the very moment I was trying to initiate wine flow by vigorously squeezing my pretend breasts, Penélope Cruz was generously revealing her real ones. I'm pretty sure nobody noticed me.

If you're ever in the mood for some PG-13 quality naughtiness and a movie that's already gone to video, I'm your girl. Just stick a baguette down your britches and some brie in your bra and meet me at the dollar theater. I'll be the one with huge, gently sloshing rack.

. .


blupencl said...

NOW I get it. I had no idea what you were showing. :) I hate to be the one to say this (again) but you have a beautiful body and a precious figure, Susan. Just the way you are!

But here's the way I feel about it: It's your body and your feelings. I know how I'd feel if somebody came up with a fix for my shape and I'd be all over it.

Anita DeCianni Brown said...

I will be sharing this with everyone! Who'da thunk?!

C. said...

Now the FB pictures make much more sense! What a great idea! I love picturing Judy ordering it too. You are so talented Susan - I enjoy your blog so much!

Soozietoone said...

I want to go to the movies with you and try it out...Remember when we went years ago and I brought the booze (in an old diaper bag that had slots for bottles) and you brought the chocolate and Karen brought the cheese and crackers -- and cutting board since she hadn't sliced it -- and we said the next time we'd bring a crock pot full of cheese dip?

Judy said...

So glad you're enjoying your birthday present.
Can't remember the last time I was so CERTAIN that I'd chosen the perfect gift for one of my children.

Love the way you write and love you. :)

Jenn A-G said...

I've got a credit card that cuts a mean cheese slice. Wanna sneak into a second flick some T-day night? Nah, never mind, I'd fall asleep.

Jenn A-G said...

BTW, I'll bring a cup.