Monday, June 29, 2009

Ten Commandments for Girlfriends



ONE: I am your girlfriend. Thou shalt have other girlfriends before me and after me.

Friendship is not monogamous; it is magnanimous. It is wise enough to understand that increasing its quantity does not decrease its quality. If your girlfriend comes to you with someone new, greet her with open arms, not a closed mind. If your friend sees something of worth in her, chances are you will, too.*

Note: While this commandment was created with girlfriends in mind, it can be applied to husbands and significant others. Big Love is not just a good idea for HBO, especially on laundry day.

TWO: Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven images of me and post them on Facebook, unless I look hot.

Sure, we call them "friends," but we all know our Facebook pages are rife with bitter exes, catty colleagues, and pretty cheerleaders from high school who we still, pathetically, want to impress. Our hairdressers are even there for godsake, and don't think those mos aren't raising a perfectly arched eyebrow if you made the mistake of getting caught on a bad hair day. Think hard before clicking insert photo. Even if you came out the spitting image of Jessica Alba, if the image of your girlfriend won't make her ex sigh with remorse, delete.**

THREE: Thou shalt not take the name of thy girlfriend's husband in vain.

Here's the drill: I can say my ass is fat, you can't. I can say my kid's a brat, not you. And we all know the rule about black people and the n-word. Same general principle. No matter what smack your girlfriend is talking about her man, you give her a shoulder, an ear, a margarita and a Snickers. But girl, do not give her ammunition to use against you the day after they kiss and make up. Which they will. But you won't.***

FOUR: Thou shalt not covet thy girlfriend's husband's ass.

Even more dangerous than dissing her man is coming across as even remotely wanting him. Suggesting that, say, in the event of her untimely death or sudden divorce you'd be willing to queue up as relief wife is a bad idea. While it slips out your mouth as an innocent, funny little compliment, it will mutate midair and arrive in her ear as a full-fledged threat. Don't give her any crazy thoughts to worry about, or him any dangerous ones to wonder about.****

FIVE: Honor thy playdates and Girls' Nights.

If you've made plans with your girlfriends, please don't be a big putz and ditch them at the last minute for some guy. Because he'll probably turn out to be an even bigger putz and ditch you for some girl. And you know what, you totally had that coming.

Note: This commandment is somewhat subjective. Like, if the guy's Hugh Jackman and only in town for the night. But at least have the decency to call your girls and let them know so they can get busy drinking your share of the wine and bad-mouthing you behind your back.*****

SIX: Thou shalt not kill the party's mojo by hijacking every freaking conversation and making it all about you. Or your blog.

We love your funny stories and graphic reenactments of that Thanksgiving in Germany when your brother-in-law tried to feel you up in the kitchen with the wishbone. But damn, girl, hand over the talking stick already. Have you ever heard of asking a question? You know, one that starts with something other than Did I tell you about the time . . . ?******

SEVEN: Thou shalt not commit adultery and expect your girlfriends to cover for your sorry lying ass.

Okay, we all know about temptation. Sometimes marriage can feel like being trapped in a Krispy Kreme on the Atkins Diet. Sometimes, you just need a cruller, or an Argentinian. So we won't judge you if you falter. (Oh, hell yeah, we totally will.) But if you do falter? You betta don't stoop to using your girlfriends as a cover story while you're out getting some strange. Because when your husband calls, I'm totally saying, "No, I don't know where Rose is. Maybe she's out getting some donuts, at the Motel Six."*******

EIGHT: Thou shalt not steal thy girlfriend's babysitter.

She'll give you the Spanx off her ass, the Jimmy Choos off her feet, and the PIN off her VISA. But her babysitter? Don't go there. If you can't find a sitter, just lock your kids in their room with the Wii and a bag of Doritos. That'll buy you a good 8-12 hours before they notice you left. Toss in a box of Pop-Tarts and a Capri Sun or two, you're good for the weekend.

NINE: Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy girlfriend.

Somewhere between brutal honesty and fabricated flattery is a sweet spot. It's a soft, cozy place, with pink lightbulbs, an ambient temperature of 69 degrees, and Enya on a loop. This is the place where good girlfriends take your social blunders and quietly hold a pillow over their faces. Whatever the faux pas, from pesto in your teeth to toilet paper on your shoe, your girlfriends will take it here and painlessly dispatch it. They will be honest, but gentle. Like a mirror, in a really dim room.

TEN: Remember thy girlfriend's birthday, and keep it happy.

Here's a quiz. Which one of the following will guarantee your girlfriend's birthday happiness:

  1. Renting a beach house for a week
  2. Throwing a big fancy party with fabulous food and drinks and guests
  3. Finding the perfect spared-no-expense present
  4. All of the above
  5. None of the above

The correct answer is choice 4, of course. Wouldn't that be awesome? But unfortunately, the role of Gayle King has already been filled. For the rest of us mortals, all we really need to be happy on our birthday is the knowledge that our girls have us on their minds and in their hearts. Some years, you do it up: kill a few lobsters and a bottle of Grand Marnier. Other years, a sappy serenade by phone fills the bill. Point is, it doesn't much matter how you remember her, just remember her. If she's lucky enough to have girlfriends living by The Commandments, I bet she's pretty damn happy already. I know I am.

*Sorry, Susan. Sorry, Paulette.

**Sorry, Melanie.

***Sorry, Shannon.

****Sorry, Karen.

*****Sorry, Beth.

******Sorry, everyone I know.

*******Sorry, Rose.

Damn I had to piss off a lot of girlfriends to get that list. Hope you appreciate it.



Jomama said...

Very funny!

Kim said...

Hee, hee.

I pissed a girlfriend off once by calling her a "skinny bitch." I thought it was a compliment, but she didn't take it so. Do I have to be a skinny bitch myself to call another woman so?

Also, for the life of me I can't figure out how to add the Kirsy button to my blog. I've searched high and low for the class= spot where you're supposed to insert the code, but can't find it anywhere. Any suggestions?

Judy said...

I sure hope you've printed each of these blogs (with a tiny bit of editing, please) and will submit them for publication.

I think you are brilliant!